Sunday, August 1, 2010

To be changed

I am longing for this experience to change me. It already has and is everyday and I haven't really even started yet. I am not the type of mom that was really made for this homeschooling thing. I am self conscious and feel I struggle to articulate the spoken word let alone in a way to teach another person. I have bought lots of teacher guides and curriculum's but I am still struggling to organize my thoughts and my lesson plans for the weeks ahead. I feel myself being pushed past my insecurities and it is frighting and uneasy at times like I am blindfolded and someone pulling me through a series of obstacles. Frightened and wanting to hold back I continue forward with my only comfort being that the One holding my hand can see.

I know there is an amazing and beautiful story to be told in all this. I know that God has plans that reach far beyond my tiny dream of educating my children. I feel my heart moving towards something so huge and I long to shepard my children towards whatever it is that He has in store for us. I feel His continuous guidance and have found myself seeking solace in His presence like I never have before. The spirit is moving and changing me and sometimes I feel almost giddy at what is happening.

Everyday things are more and more beautiful and precious and life changing. Days on the beach watching the kids play have been wrapped up in praises and prayer so thankful to bask in the beauty of His creation the big ocean and the tiny feet that ran across its waves. I spent the weekend just me and the baby shirking house work for irresistible slobbery baby kisses. Waking up with sun just to engage the big beautiful baby eyes staring at me. And tonight all though they made me crazy and made me yell and threw temper tantrums I sit here tonight soaking up the quiet listening to the sounds of my sweet babies sleeping under one roof after a long weekend away from me. I am so grateful for these moments and praying I won't soon forget them. I have spent the last few months deep in the trenches of baby/ stress induced depression, but I finally feel like I have come out of the darkness and though I am physically struggling out of the fatigue and pain, mentally, emotionally and spiritually I am recovering with great strides. Sweet babies, family fun no matter the struggle it requires and answered prayers of peace and comfort can do that.



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